Toxic relationships are, to put it bluntly, a mindf*ck.
They are awful when you're in one and even worse as you try to claw your way out.
But, who is to blame for the growth and regularity of toxic relationships?
There are many components. In the present day, there is a lot of peer pressure for men and women of all ages to enter relationships. It’s not so much measly peer pressure but the leering weight of society and its expectations as a whole that is the primary influence. Society breathes into people. When you’re surrounded by your nearest and dearest in loving relationships, it does get a tad lonely and the thought of a companion becomes more appealing. The problem is, with the pressure you are suffering, you make mistakes. You can make a lot of mistakes. You make them by trying to make something happen with someone because of the influence the environment has on your mentality and emotional conscience.
I see some advice articles that aren't sourced from personal experience on this kind of relationship and struggle to understand what good simple and imperative language does to guide a person through the daunting journey of getting you and moving on.
That's why I'm here today to tell you about my own journey.
So what is it truly like to be in a turbulent relationship?
It’s a tenebrous cycle. For the recipient of the toxic fuels, it is a very emotionally committed relationship. You adore them and you hate them. You feel that they don’t reciprocate the extent of love you have. You’re simply attached. You’re heart aches and you cry over little things in connection with them. You always feel the need to talk to them, to the point you are convinced you’re a stalker. You know that you don’t deserve being ignored for days on end and only having contact with them when they need you, but you take what you can get because you’re somehow in love.
However, to take the catalyst’s side into consideration, what is the truth? Do they feel anything? Or are you a plaything for their entertainment? The truth is… in a warped and perplexing way, they do feel for you. They do. But they alienate themselves from the foreign feeling which ultimately causes a relationship to become venomous. Various incidents can also instigate this, from family issues to a sexual episode; emotion is not the only component in making a relationship toxic.
There are many methods people use to push away their significant other. From my experience, emotional manipulation and infidelity are the key methods that induce everything I have summarized about the recipient above.
Emotional manipulation is a key element in a toxic relationship. It is what gets you addicted to the person. As I said, it doesn’t matter what kind of contact you have with them, it is contact full-stop. It doesn’t matter if that person is vile and disgusting, they still coax you in.
There comes a point when you realize it is time to let go. When those final stages arrive, you try to do anything and everything to hold on. To keep the one thing that damages your future so it doesn’t sully the past. But then…then that final straw is pulled and you’re left numb. Numb from heartache, numb from them, numb from everything.
Sometimes you make a decision and you have to accept that it will not always be in your favour. Cutting the final, difficult, thread that attaches you to that person that has made you numb will have its repercussions. It will. That is what makes the journey all the more agonizing. This agony though? That’s what makes completing the journey exceedingly satisfying. You will learn that you cannot thrive in a toxic relationship and that letting toxic people go is not an act of cruelty but an act of self-care.
It’s not going to be easy, I can promise you that. But by beginning the process of letting go, you will realize everything wrong with what you lived with. This is what I required and gained experienced from as I let go of this horrid kind of partnership:
Your former partner will be with you every step of the way. They will present you with difficult situations. When that person realizes what path you’re stepping onto, they will pursue you with the need to reclaim their property. You will give in at the beginning, when that part of you screams that you can talk to them without feeling anything, but that part will slowly decline.
Friends and Family
In the beginning, you don’t want your peers to know about the turmoil you’re undergoing. Don’t let your inhibitions prevent you from talking to them. Once you do, you create a support group. What’s more, these people, even your family, may very well know exactly what you’re going through. Keep your friends and family close, because they will always be there.
It’s easier said than done, but seriously, just stay away from your phone. The temptation is there. Deleting your ex is too hard to do for the majority of the journey so be careful. In this day in age, social media is a majority part of a relationship. Ty to detach yourself from social media, invest in real life more and don't dwell on the fact your ex is ‘liking’ other women’s photos on Facebook. Checking his profile every day is not healthy. There will be a need to text him but remember, it is not what you want.
You will benefit from distancing yourself from what is already a contaminated environment.
Following from staying away from technology, you will feel the need to confront your former significant other. Avoiding the urge to not contact them cannot not be suppressed sometimes and you will end up turning your mouth into a pistol. What you must realize is that confronting them will do nothing when they believe they still have a sense of influence over you. An apology is far away.
Thanks to society, relationships appear to be of utmost substantial importance. They’re not. Remember that you have more vital things to deal with, whether it is family, work or education. Think in a practical way; a relationship can only affect your life if you let it.
Rushing back into the dating game is never a bad thing. However, handle it with caution. You’ll still be raw from the pain your ex has caused so don’t go looking for love. Look for friendship. Look for something causal. Look for something new.
The most liberating thing to do is to remain single. Enjoy learning the ropes once more and have fun with it.
As you start to stay close with your kinfolk, avoid technology, and ultimately, your ex, you will begin to experience the personal growth that your ex had stopped you from undergoing. You will start to feel emotionally stable and your personal strength will grow as you begin to prioritise what really matters.
Gradually, you won’t check your ex’s profile so much. The need to text them will fade. Their existence will also begin to take a back seat.
The Final Tether | Closure
It is the biggest part of the process of letting go.
Closure from a toxic relationship will eventually come. But you must be patient. This will only come when your former partner has ultimately come to terms and matured towards the non-existent relationship between you two. For me, it took months until I was finally given that closure. What I must warn you of though is that this closure, the apology you have waited for, will not be the one you really need – it could be the crappiest one to ever surface – but what you need to do is take it, accept it, and then finally, move on.
When this moment finally comes, it is time to cut off all ties. Delete every stitch of connection that can have the pair of you in contact. Untangle yourself from friendships that will knot you back into your ex’s web again. Start afresh. Try deleting your music and registering a new playlist for you. Hell, maybe even give yourself a new look! Pamper yourself!
So, on that note, I would like to bring this article to a close;
To all of you out there, those that are in the solitude of their own torment because of their significant other, you can get out and you will be able to let go. You are never alone. It will take time but eventually, you will find yourself happy, whether having entered a new companionship or not, you can chalk everything you’ve learnt from that bad relationship up to experience. Do it for you.